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Jargon
We get bombarded with technical jargon every day, much of it meaningless. Here are some terms you may like to sprinkle into your next conversation.
Betamaxed
When a technology is overtaken by an inferior, but better marketed, technology. "Apple was betamaxed by Microsoft."
Career-Limiting Maneuver (CLM)
Used to describe an ill-advised activity. Sending one's boss a memo on recycled paper, the reverse of which contains a rant against him/her is a serious CLM (a real-life example, btw).
Circling The Drain
Used to describe projects that have no more life in them but refuse to die. "That showfile conversion project has been circling the drain for years."
Cobweb
A World Wide Web site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. See also Link Rot.
Crash Test Dummies
Those of us who pay for unstable, not-yet-ready-for-prime-time software foisted on us by computer companies.
Critical Mess
An unstable stage in a software project's life in which any single change or bug fix can result in the creation of two or more new bugs. Continued development at this stage can lead to an exponential increase in the number of bugs.
Cube Farm
An office filled with cubicles. See also Prairie Dogging.
Dancing Baloney
Little animated GIFs and other Web FX that are useless and serve simply to impress. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Dawn Patrol
Programmers who are still at their terminals when the day shift returns to work the next morning. Usually found in Trog Mode.
Domain Dipping
Typing in random words between www. and .com just to see what's out there.
Dustbuster
A phone call or eMail message sent to someone after a long while just to "shake the dust off" and see if the connection still works.
Email Tennis
When you email someone who responds while you are still answering mail. You respond again, and so forth, as if you were carrying on a chat via email messages. "Ok, enough of this email tennis, why don't I call you?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not found".
Future-Proof
Term used to describe a technology that supposedly won't become technologically outdated (at least anytime soon).
Going Cryllic
When a graphical display (LED or LCD screen, monitor, etc) starts to display garbage. "The thing just went cryllic on me."
Graybar Land
The place where one goes while staring at a computer that is slowly processing something (watching the progress bar crawl across the screen).
Hourglass Mode
Waiting in limbo for some expected action to take place. "I was held up at the post office because the clerk was in hourglass mode."
Idea Hamster
People who always seem to have their idea generators running. "That guy's a real idea hamster. Give him a concept and he'll turn it over 'til he comes up with something useful."
IQueue
The line of interesting email messages waiting to be read after one has deleted all of the junk mail.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature".
Link Rot
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as the sites they are linked to die or change location. See also Cobweb.
Martian Mail
An email that arrives months after it was sent (as if it has been routed via Mars). See also Zen Mail.
Monkey Bath
A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Oo! Oo! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Notwork
A network in its nonworking state.
Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you have made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again. (Several studies have shown that connectors/connections are the most failure-prone element in an electronic system. Bad connections weaken, solder cracks, connectors & switches oxidise, potentioeters get dusty, and so on. A well-placed whack can often jar the connection back into service.)
Prairie Dogging
When someone yells, or drops something loudly, in a Cube Farm and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.
Print Miles
The distance covered between a desk and a printer shared by a group of users in an office. "I think I've travelled enough print miles on this job to qualify for a vacation."
Salmon Day
When you spend the entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh@ts all over everything, and then leaves.
Tetwrist
The repetitive stress injury one gets after a long-term play of highly addictive puzzle games like Tetris.
Thrashing
Clicking helter-skelter around an interactive computer screen or web site in search of hidden buttons or links that might trigger actions.
Triple-dub
An abbreviated way of saying www when speaking about a URL. "Check out this cool web site at triple-dub dot enlightenment dot co dot uk."
Trog Mode
A round-the-clock computer session in which your eyes get so tired you have to turn off the lights and toggle the monitor into reverse - white letters on a black screen. Often used at Dawn Patrol period.
Voice Jail System
A poorly designed voicemail system that has so many submenus that one gets lost and has to hang up and call back.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch
A condition caused by the taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
Zen Mail
Email messages that arrive in one's mailbox with no text in the message body. See also Martian Mail
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